--How my eating disorder nearly killed me

Is extreme dieting worth it? Before you answer that, let me tell you what happened to me.

Growing up, I was always the biggest kid in my class. I was the tallest and usually weighed more than any of my classmates, but I was never fat, just big-boned. Even as young as six years old, I was concerned about my weight, always wishing I was small and skinny. I watched two of my older sisters, then in their teens, struggle with weight problems, and I was determined not to let it happen to me.

I loved food, however, and didn't have much willpower. So around my fourteenth birthday I began pushing "maximum density." At my heaviest, I was clearly above the healthy weight range given for my sex, age, and height on medical charts. I needed to lose weight, but I wasn't expecting it to turn into an obsession and a horrible sickness.

I began simple dieting--cutting down on the amount I ate at each meal. I also began exercising several times a week. This helped me lose a few pounds gradually. By my sixteenth birthday I was within the healthy weight range listed on the charts. But I still wasn't satisfied.

My goal for the next year was to lose even more, which I did by dieting a little more strictly. I also started exercising at least five times a week. I made that goal, but I still felt fat. I also thought I would get more attention from the boys and be more popular with the girls if I was thinner, so I was determined to diet until I felt comfortable with myself. It was then that I had the "brilliant idea" of forcing myself to vomit after eating. After all, what didn't stay in couldn't turn to fat. I became bulimic.

If you are toying with anorexia or bulimia, DON'T DO IT! It's not a game. It will ruin your life and your health, and it's such a fight to get over!

This went on for a few months. Then something snapped, and I totally lost control of my eating habits. Even though I was by this time off the bottom of the height/weight chart, I was convinced I needed to be even thinner. I ate hardly anything, and then wondered why I had no energy. I also became so obsessed with exercising to lose more weight that I would wake up in the middle of the night to exercise if I knew I couldn't fit it in the next day.

Then one day my stomach and throat bled. I had read on the Internet about bulimia doing that to people in extreme cases. That scared me, but I couldn't stop.

By this time I was so thin that everyone was telling me to stop dieting, but I honestly thought I was still fat. I also enjoyed the attention--having everyone tell me I looked thin, which I equated with looking good. Still, if I lost just a little more weight I thought I would be comfortable with myself and then everything would be fine.

So I lost, and lost, and lost, and lost some more. My parents were worried, and my boyfriend told me, "Niki, this is enough!" But whenever I looked in the mirror, I still felt fat. My thinking had become so messed up that when my stomach was completely empty, I felt elated--proud of myself, clean, happy. But when I had any food in my stomach, I felt disgusting and dirty.

My eating disorder also affected my personality. I am by nature an outgoing person--the talkative, all-out, "crazy girl" type. I love to be around friends and have a good time, but during this time I was so obsessed with my weight and body that I quit joining in when my friends invited me to do things. I especially declined invitations if they had anything to do with food. I withdrew into myself, so caught up in my obsession with losing weight that I couldn't see past it. As one friend put it, "Your personality went with your curves!"--And it was true. My eating disorder had me very depressed. I didn't care if I lived or died, and even contemplated suicide.

Then there was a death in my family. That woke me up to how precious life is. The way I was abusing my body, I knew I could be the next to go. For about two weeks I made an effort to eat, but I was utterly terrified of getting fat. I fell back into extreme dieting and lost even more weight. I looked emaciated. I suffered from chronic fatigue, anemia, and a host of other ailments. My periods stopped.

When eating disorders get as bad as mine, they are an addiction--a very serious mental and spiritual problem that is almost impossible to break without the Lord's help.

Finally the Lord got through to me that I was slowly killing myself. When eating disorders get as bad as mine, they are an addiction--a very serious mental and spiritual problem that is almost impossible to break without the Lord's help.

I began asking my parents to pray for me every time I felt fat, and this was my lifesaver! For example, one day I weighed myself and when I saw that I had gained two pounds, I cried for several hours, until my dad came home and prayed with me.

I also put a request for prayer on a "prayer list" that we circulate among family and friends, so we can pray for each other. I asked for prayer against anorexia and bulimia, and that I would gain weight. It was very humbling, but the Lord blessed my confessing my problem and taking a stand against it. I began to gain weight slowly.

As I write this, I'm still not completely over this disorder. When I look in the mirror, I still feel fat, even though I'm not fat by any reasonable standard. I have to keep praying with all my might and asking the Lord to ward off thoughts that are not from Him. It's such a spiritual thing!

I've had times when I have fallen back into bulimia and lost weight again, but each time I've gotten desperate again, been honest with myself and others, and asked for prayer, and each time the Lord has helped me come a little further. I can now eat sensibly without feeling guilty, and I am now looking normal again--although most people would say I'm still quite thin. I also have some health complications from abusing my body, but the Lord is gradually healing me and I'm so thankful!

If you are toying with anorexia or bulimia, DON'T DO IT! It's not a game. It will ruin your life and your health, and it's such a fight to get over! Get your parents or a friend to pray for you, and keep telling yourself, "I am me, and I am beautiful because God doesn't make junk!"

Niki Rudow is a full-time volunteer with The Family in Japan.

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Know Your Enemy!
The Devil is not only the enemy of your soul, but since the Lord has put you in this earthly body and made it His temple (1 Corinthians 3:16), the Devil is also the enemy of your body, and he and his demons are out to damage and destroy it however they can. This is one way in which the Devil has deceived and deluded thousands of people around the world, especially women, into throwing their lives away.

Victory Guaranteed!
Anorexia is a disease, a sickness, but it is a disease of the spirit. The cure is openness to the Lord's Spirit and acceptance of His counsel, unconditional love and support from concerned loved ones, and desperation on the part of everyone involved. If these factors are all present, the victory is guaranteed!

Healing for Body and Soul
The victory [over anorexia] will come as you face your fears and allow the Lord to have full sway. As you feed your body, you will also be feeding your soul because you will be obeying the Lord.

--Maria Fontaine on anorexia and bulimia